THESIS STATEMENTS SHOULD BE CLAIMS

5/23/2013

FOLLOW THIS LINK AND SEE THE EXAMPLES:

http://www1.ccs.k12.in.us/teachers/downloads/cms_block_file/45363/file/68838

Using the examples, write and post a new thesis here.

27 Comments

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 11:16:12 pm

EXAMPLES:

"Eva Peron revolutionized Argentina and should be remembered as a champion of peasants' rights"

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 11:17:05 pm

"Puerto Rican independence benefitted people politically and economically, and should be heralded as an example for people around the world."

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 11:18:08 pm

"While John F. Kennedy defused the Cuban missile crisis through negotiation and diplomatic pressure, he ultimately failed to resolve American-Cuban relations."

Mikayla Lynch

5/22/2013 11:20:41 pm

Eva Peron's controversial status only helped her wealth, fame, and power, not the social classes and well being of Argentina.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 10:22:03 pm

Hi Mikayla,

I like the claim you've made in your thesis statement!

I wonder if making it more concise can strengthen it. For example, you could write, "Eva Peron's controversial status only helped her personally, not the people of Argentina she claimed to serve."

9/10

Aidan Brock

5/22/2013 11:21:01 pm

John F. Kennedy used diplomatic pressure and negotiation to stop the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 10:23:11 pm

Hi Aidan,

This still lacks a claim. You need to make an argument, not write a summary. Review the claim document posted above.

nathaniel

5/22/2013 11:21:10 pm

Rape is sexually assaulting a person against their will it can never be justified even when under the influence of narcotics because it violates humans rights, it violates them physically and mentally, and its taking responsibility for the actions people make.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 10:24:09 pm

Hi Nathaniel,

This thesis lacks a claim. You need to take a stance and argue it. This thesis will not allow you to do so. In addition, it is not relevant to Latin America. It's also really wordy. Time to edit!

4/10

Sabella Mastricola

5/22/2013 11:21:21 pm

Eva Peron's actions negatively impacted the Argentine people.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 10:25:24 pm

Hi Sabella,

You should work on strengthening this thesis statement in two ways:
1. Your claim is vague. I worry that this too general thesis will lead to summary not analysis.
2. Your verb choice is weak. Use one word that means "negatively impacted" (i.e., hurt, destroyed, etc.)

6/10

Matthew Flaherty

5/22/2013 11:21:30 pm

Poverty destroys peoples lives this is proven by Gangs, drugs, disease, starvation and people living like animals, poverty is the biggest problem to humans.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 10:27:05 pm

Hi Matt,

1. Gangs should not be capitalized.
2. There's no clear link to Latin America and there needs to be.
3. Your punctuation is off. You need a semi-colon or 'and' after animals.

5/10

ben

5/22/2013 11:21:42 pm

REVISED: At the height of the Mexican Drug War in 2006, violence and economic problems started happening in the Mexican society.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 10:28:31 pm

Hi Ben,

Didn't violence and economic problems begin before 2006? Instead of 'started happening' don't you need something like 'worsened?'

Also, make sure to take a stand. For example, you could put a comma after society, and write, "and the Mexican government __________."

Ben

5/23/2013 10:58:24 pm

REVISED AGAIN: At the height of the Mexican Drug War in 2006, violence and economic problems worsened society, and the Mexican government.

Gabriel Cruz

5/22/2013 11:21:48 pm

Puerto Rican independence benefited people politically and economically, and should be a sign for people around the world.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 10:29:02 pm

Hi Gabe,

Great job editing your work! This is excellent!

Luke Payne

5/22/2013 11:22:06 pm

Baseball impacted Latin America positively by letting latinos play in the U.S. and perform greatly.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 10:30:10 pm

1. Latinos should be capitalized.
2. "perform greatly" is confusing - what do you mean? I think your word choice and/or grammar are off
3. This will lead to summary not analysis. Review the document about making claims.

5/10

Mohamed Mansaray

5/22/2013 11:22:34 pm

There are drug wars going on in Mexico which is affecting peoples lives and the economy and it is putting the state of Mexico in danger.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 10:31:20 pm

Hi Mohamed,

Tenses! You need to go back and edit this thesis. You're mixing up tenses - if this is in the present tense, then all verbs need to be in the present tense.

I like the claim but I think you mean "putting Mexico in a state of danger"

8/10

Ana Cardona

5/22/2013 11:23:20 pm

Eva Peron symbolized Argentina in a positive way through the hardships she overcame, her strong relationship with her people, and her ability to handle situations on the spot.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 10:33:34 pm

Hi Ana,

This thesis will lead to summary not analysis. You need to stake a claim. Review the document about thesis statements above. Also, you might want to look at Morgan's as an "Evita" example.

6/10

Keffim

5/22/2013 11:23:34 pm

Latin America's plans on dealing with its increasing economic issues by doing a cash transfer scheme, having high commodity prices, and tackling poverty.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 10:38:08 pm

Hi Keffim,

This thesis will lead to summary not analysis. You need to stake a claim. Review the document at the top.

6/10

Morgan Mokler

5/22/2013 11:23:50 pm

Evita Peron revolutionized Argentina and should be seen as a hero in the eyes of the poor.

THESIS STATEMENTS SHOULD BE CLAIMS

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