8 D Thesis Statements

5/23/2013

Post your thesis statements here!
- Write your first and last name
- Write your thesis statement
- You will get a 10 point grade

63 Comments

Antonio Fernandes

5/23/2013 12:36:56 am

The Mexican cartels killed people, bribe law enforcers, got the Mexican army involved with the drug war, gave the U.S. drugs, and increased the amount of weapons in Mexican.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 12:45:01 am

1. This is too summative. You need to stake a claim. Go here for a refresher: http://www1.ccs.k12.in.us/teachers/downloads/cms_block_file/45363/file/68838

2. Grammatical errors! The entire sentence should be in the same tense.

5/10

Antonio Fernandes

5/29/2013 12:45:13 am

Then what should it be.....

Iancarlos

5/23/2013 12:37:33 am

Brazilian cartels assisted in crime development in order to gain money, induce fear upon the population, and gain power in Brazil.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 12:46:19 am

1. The phrasing is off. I think you need, "Brazilian cartels cause crime in order to ....."
2. Specify the time period.

8/10

Kameron Taylor

5/23/2013 12:38:54 am

Drug cartels in Mexico shape the drug war economically, violently and socially in order for the Drug War to be successful.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 12:47:25 am

I'm not sure your claim makes sense. I don't know what you mean by "in order for the Drug War to be successful." What are you arguing?

Make sure to submit another version. Reply directly to this post.

7/10

Kameron Taylor

5/23/2013 01:12:20 am

Drug cartels in Mexico shape the drug war economically, violently and socially.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 05:57:57 am

Kameron, where's your claim?

Take a look at the examples again: http://www1.ccs.k12.in.us/teachers/downloads/cms_block_file/45363/file/68838

Kameron Taylor

5/24/2013 12:30:33 am

Drug cartels in Mexico should be known for the economical, violent and social approaches they took to shape the Drug War.

Nick Wawryszuk

5/23/2013 12:39:12 am

Latin American society was impacted through soccer by reactions, drug cartels, spread, transformation, and the creation of teams.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 12:58:02 am

1. Passive voice. Consider switching your order (soccer and society) to strengthen.

2. This is too summative. You need a claim. Visit here for a refresher: Go here for a refresher: http://www1.ccs.k12.in.us/teachers/downloads/cms_block_file/45363/file/68838

5/10

Jonah Yannis

5/23/2013 12:39:45 am

The Greeks and the Aztecs where more different then similar due to government, gender roles in society, general life, warfare and religion.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 01:00:59 am

1. Were, not where
2. Than, not than
3. This is still going to produce a summary. Why does it matter that they're different? Consider something like, "Because the Greeks and Aztecs different greatly, historians should _________"

5/10

Kayla

5/23/2013 12:40:16 am

In the past, unfair gender stereotypes affected Guatemalans socially, politically, and emotionally because of the social status of individuals, even though others think that genders should get different treatment.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 01:03:33 am

I am confused by what you're saying. What are you trying to argue What does "because of the social status of individuals mean?"

Are you really trying to say this: "While some argue men and women should be treated differently, it is clear in Guatemala that women are treated unfairly and this results in __________."

6/10

Kayla

5/24/2013 12:18:43 am

While some argue men and women should be treated differently, it is clear in Guatemala that women are treated unfairly and this results in social, political, and emotional issues.

Tillie

5/23/2013 12:41:36 am

Gender roles affected mexico emotionally, educationally, and economically which led to women wanting equality.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 01:04:51 am

This is full of grammatical errors! Mexico must be capitalized. Your tenses are confusing.

Where is the claim?

Revisit this page to improve: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-22390914

6/10

tristan bhikam

5/23/2013 12:42:08 am

Latin American dancing has impacted Latin America culture, spread all over the world and has gradually become universally popular.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 01:05:39 am

There is no claim here! As a result, there's no way to create to a counterargument.

Revisit this page for more information: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-22390914

6/10

Jontrell Murray

5/23/2013 12:42:25 am

Fidel Castro should be remembered as a hero to Cuban people because, he led revolutions, and wanted equal rights for Cuban people and he stood up to America.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 01:07:02 am

1. You do not need a comma after "because"
2. Add "the" in between to and Cuban
3. Yo need a comma here: "Cuban people, and he stood up"

7/10

Yanizel

5/23/2013 12:42:37 am

From the year 2006 to 2011, the daily lives of individuals in Mexico were effected by the violence due to the drug war.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 01:08:36 am

1. Affect not effect
2. This is too summative! You need a claim. Go here for a refresher: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-22390914
3. Maybe think about what should happen as a result of all this violence. Do you think the Mexican government needs to stop the violence? Cartels should be taken more seriously? US should get involved? Stake a claim!

5/10

scottmichael OLEARY

5/23/2013 12:43:39 am

The us thoroughly impacted baseball in the DR through racial segregation and restrictions between the two countries.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 01:09:37 am

1. The grammar is off.
2. This is too summative. Go here for a refresher on how to write a claim: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-22390914
3. Don't include 017345928345 spaces after your next post.

5/10

Juan

5/23/2013 12:43:44 am

The Cartels have killed tens of thousands, burned/destroyed property of companies and horrified citizens mostly to Sinoala, Nuevo Leon and Michoacan.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 01:10:40 am

1. Add time period
2. No slashes in thesis statements
3. "mostly to" makes no sense... do you mean "in?"
4. There's no claim. This is too summative. Go here for a refresher: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-22390914

5/10

Juan

5/24/2013 12:45:44 am

The main cause of the tens of thousands of deaths in mexico in the past years are practically all due to the Cartels who have destroyed mexico with killing its citizens, controlling the police, burning property and killing the army.

By the way the website you put in has nothing to do with my topic.

catie

5/23/2013 12:44:38 am

The Guatemalan civil war hurt Guatemala and and made their recovery long and painful, the people who participated in the genocide should have consequences.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 12:16:45 am

Hi Catie,

I like this a lot! You need to make a few grammatical tweaks:
1. Capitalize civil war
2. Instead of have, write "face"

9/10

Olivia

5/23/2013 12:44:45 am

Violence presently in the Mexican drug war weakened Mexican society economically, socially, and politically, but benefits the United States.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 12:19:04 am

Hi Olivia,

This is a fascinating idea! I love the claim!

I suggest a few grammatical tweaks:
Violence occurring int he Mexican Drug War weakens .....

9/10

Valerie

5/23/2013 12:45:28 am

Slavery influenced the ethnicity of Brazil socially,politically, and economically which led to the fight for African-American independence.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 12:21:50 am

Hi Val,

There are a few grammatical issues here that need to be fixed:
1. How can slavery "influence" ethnicity? You've personified ethnicity here and this needs to be fixed. Reconsider your verb choice.
2. Why are you writing about African-Americans in a paper on Brazilian history.
3. This is too summative! Fixing the grammar will help you make your claim. For instance, are you really saying that ethnic diversity led to revolutions? I'm really confused by the language and the argument as they're currently written.

5/10

Bridget

5/23/2013 12:45:37 am

Life in the Galapagos Islands has advantages because of marine life, bird life, and plant life, which all benefit the ecosystem

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 12:24:32 am

Hi Bridget,

What's your argument? Right now this is too summative. For example, are you arguing that the diversity of marine, bird, and plant life improves life in the Galapagos? Or, are you arguing that the diversity of marine, bird, and plant life drives the ecosystem? Either way, aren't these obvious? You need a "so what" claim. Maybe consider adding a clause about how the Galapagos need to be protected?

6/10

Patryk Kania

5/23/2013 12:46:27 am

The Mexican Drug War and Mexican cartels have scarred Mexican citizens by frightening them, making them self reliant and making Mexico violent.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 12:27:50 am

Hi Patryk,

You need a claim or a "so what" in your thesis to move from summary to analysis. For example, after violent add a "therefore the government __________" or something like that.

Also, what do you mean by "self reliant?" I'm not sure this is your best word choice.

6/10

Alyssa Perea

5/23/2013 12:47:30 am

The Mexican drug war is destroying Mexcio's economy, tourism, raising the crime rate, violence, and traumatizing their community.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 12:28:39 am

Hi Alyssa,

This is too summative. You need a claim or a "so what." Take a look at my comments for Patryk and the document I posted yesterday about creating claims.

6/10

Wade

5/23/2013 12:48:04 am

Because the drug cartels have increased violence, crime rates, crime frequencies and media stereotypes have skyrocketed claiming all efforts to cease drug related violence as no real progress.

Wade

5/24/2013 12:33:57 am

Hi Wade,

I like your thesis statement but the punctuation is off. Try this:

Because the drug cartels have increased violence, crimes rates and frequencies, the media's claims that efforts to decrease drug-related violence are failing are accurate.

*This took me a long time to figure out! You need to be really clear and concise in your wording.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 12:36:05 am

I forgot the grade: 7/10

nicquela roach

5/23/2013 12:49:20 am

The indigenous people of Latin America symbolized themselves differently over time through their languages, traditional outfits, and religious beliefs while still indicating their tribal belonging.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 12:38:30 am

Hi Nicquela,

This is a good start, but your thesis lacks a claim. What's your "so what?" Is it that indigenous people should continue to proudly display their tribal belonging?

Also, I don't think "symbolize" is the correct word. How can you symbolize yourself through language?

6/10

Nathan Camilo

5/23/2013 12:49:27 am

Because Lance Armstrong lied and is a menace to society ,just like Columbus, he should be disdained for his actions.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 12:39:27 am

Hi Nathan,

I love this! Strong, divisive claim - excellent work!

Two quick edits:
1. Include Christopher before Columbus
2. Is disdain really the right word?

10/10

Shonnelia

5/23/2013 01:11:36 am

Samba had a positive effect on Brazil's culture and thus impacting the life of the people dearly.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 12:41:24 am

Hi Shonnelia,

I like where you're starting but I think you can improve this thesis statement with a stronger claim.

For example, do you think samba should be celebrated as a national dance? Make some sort of claim about the importance of samba to Brazil or the world.

Also, use a stronger word than "positive affect." Be clear and declarative in your thesis statement.

7/10

Rylei Donovan

5/24/2013 12:16:24 am

The occurrence of the Guatemalan Genocide impacts everyday life in current day Guatemala through mental, physical, and traditional aspects.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 12:42:47 am

Hi Rylei,

You're missing a claim! This is too summative - with this thesis, your paper will contain an explanation of the effects of the genocide. Instead, create a "so what." For example, do you think the perpetrators should be punished? Or, do you think Americans should study it in school? Think about and include the so what.

6/10

Alyssa

5/24/2013 12:20:25 am

The physiological impact of the Mexican drug war has more of an impact on the people of Mexico rather than the physical impact.

Sarah Baldassari

5/24/2013 12:26:45 am

Drug abuse negatively impacts people everywhere, but America and Latin America are examples of where it truly damages children.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 12:45:03 am

Hi Sarah,

I'm not sure this make sense. Yes, I agree that drug abuse hurts (much stronger word choice than 'negatively impacts') children everywhere, but I don't know how you can quantify that that "hurt" is worse in one country than another.

I wonder if you actually should argue one of the following ideas:
- the LA governments aren't doing enough to stop/slow drug abuse
- LA can learn from America (or vice versa)
- LA police do not take the problem seriously enough
etc...

6/10

Sarah

5/24/2013 12:51:36 am

Substance abuse hurts people everywhere, but America and Latin America are examples of countries that have a high rate of damage due to substance abuse.

I'm not arguing that once is worse than the other I am arguing that substance abuse hurts everyone and I'm comparing Latin America and America not contrasting

tillie

5/24/2013 12:31:40 am

Gender roles affected mexico emotionally, educationally, and economically, which led women to achieve their goal of getting equal rights a mission on the UN post-2015 agenda.

tillie

5/29/2013 01:11:13 am

Gender roles affected Mexican women emotionally, educationally, and educationally, which led women to fight for their goal of getting equal rights, a mission of the United Nations.

Jontrell

5/24/2013 12:41:05 am

Fidel Castro should be remembered as a villain to the Cuban people because he led violent revolutions, killed many people with ideas that were not aligned with his, He was racist, he wanted to wage war with America.

Valerie

5/24/2013 12:57:38 am

Slavery impacted ethnic diversity socially, politically, and economically which led to the Brazil Constitutional Revolution in 1820.

Valerie

5/29/2013 01:14:23 am

Slavery caused ethnic diversity in Brazil, and these social ,economic, political differences led to The Brazilian Constitutional Revolution in 1820.

Jontrell Murray

5/27/2013 12:22:54 pm

Should I be up this late ???

8 D Thesis Statements

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