8 C Thesis Statements

5/23/2013

Post your thesis statements here!
- Write your first and last name
- Write your thesis statement
- You will get a 10 point grade

53 Comments

Tyrone Smith

05/24/2013 9:03am

Honor affects Mexican the wrestlers the most and in a positive way

Tyrone

05/24/2013 9:04am

**Honor affects the Mexican luchadores the most and it is in a positive way

Jackie

05/24/2013 9:05am

thats a summary..

05/24/2013 9:06am

be more specific as to how.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 9:10am

Hi Tyrone,

I agree with your classmates below. This is too vague. What do you mean by "the most?"

You need to review what it means to stake a claim in a thesis. Check out the examples from other classes.

6/10

Tyrone

05/24/2013 9:22am

Ok Ms.Feldman, how about:
Luchadores act the way they do due to honor, principle, and fame. Does that work?

Hannah Murphy

05/24/2013 9:03am

When Mexicans migrate to the United States, they leave a negative impact on their home country.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 9:11am

Hi Hannah,

I think this is a great start but I wonder if you can strengthen your thesis by replacing "negative impact" with a clear, declarative verb.

9/10

Alanni

05/24/2013 9:04am

Social classes and poor economic management in Guatemala shifted power in society creating imbalances of power leading to the Guatemalan genocide.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 9:15am

Hi Alanni,

I really like the ideas contained within your genocide but I think your grammar is off. For example, I'm confused about the time period you're talking about because you change tenses. Try writing this again.

8/10

Eric Markland

05/24/2013 9:04am

Colombia's government contributed to the growth of their drug trade because of political corruption, lack of help for the poor and lack of law enforcement, therefore the government is the main reason for the rise of the Colombian drug trade.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 9:18am

Hi Eric,

This is spot on! I like how you justify your claim in the second clause of your thesis.

10/10

Brianna Lindsey-Vaughn

05/24/2013 9:04am

The cultures of Brazil and Venezuela are different when it comes to the traditions, music, and daily life.

Sam M.

05/24/2013 9:05am

The United States of America was the most important factor in the Dominican Republic's success in baseball since the Americans brought the game to the island, competed with the Dominicans and drafted the Dominicans.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 9:19am

Hi Sam,

I think your word choice is off. I'm not sure if the United States is a "factor." I think you've personified the country as a whole. Go back and work on the first part of your thesis.

9/10

Jackie Nguyen

05/24/2013 9:05am

Art was significant in the 19th century in Latin America because it conveyed the culture, strength , and methods of communication in many different countries.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 9:21am

Hi Jackie,

This thesis will lead to summary not analysis. You need a claim. Review the documents posted about writing claims and consider your classmates' theses.

6/10

AJ Murray

05/24/2013 9:05am

Throughout the last, approximately, 70 years the number of Dominican baseball players has increased helping the Dominican economy by MLB teams investing money in baseball academies, baseball players giving back to their communities, and so on.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 9:22am

Hi AJ,

This thesis contains many grammatical errors.
1. Comma issues at the beginning
2. Concluding with "so on" is vague
3. Tighten up your word choice so your thesis is strong and declarative

7/10

Yamairys Charles Moreno

05/24/2013 9:07am

The Mexican courts and laws hindered the Mexican Drug War because of the officers strictly enforcing the laws and the aim to prevent deaths in the future.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 9:26am

Hi Yamairys,

First, your thesis will lead to summary not analysis. You need to stake a claim. Make sure you review your classmates' theses and the document about claims I provided.

Second, you have a few grammatical issues.
1. I don't think hinder is the word you're looking for
2. You need to use parallel structure- the last clause after and seems disjointed

6/10

Kristina Choukas

05/24/2013 9:08am

When the Jewish refugees came to Latin America for refuge, the Latin Americans' daily lives changed significantly.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 9:28am

Hi Kristina,

I think this is a great start but I wonder about the "so what" factor. Why does it matter (if at all) that daily life? Could something be added to your thesis to make it more arguable and controversial? I'm just not sure how you're going to meaningfully counter the claim you've already made.

8/10

Kristina Choukas

05/24/2013 9:33am

When the Jewish Holocaust survivors came to Latin America, the Latin Americans' daily lives hurt the Jews significantly.

Nick Kammer

05/24/2013 9:09am

Argentina's soccer rivalries are the cause of most of the violence in the country and should receive the most focus from the government.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 9:29am

Hi Nick,

I think you can tighten up the language of your thesis and therefore strengthen it. For example, you could write "...rivalries cause the most..."

9/10

Michael Purvis

05/24/2013 9:09am

Over time, deforestation has increased because peoples' needs increased as well; therefore the people of South America should be far more strict about what they need and the protection of the rain-forest.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 9:32am

Hi Michael,

Your word choice is a bit repetitive - needs and increased are both repeated. I wonder how you can maintain these ideas (which are fantastic!) with stronger, clearer words.

9/10

Sean O'Mahony

05/24/2013 9:09am

Football has affected the mind of Brazilians, has become the most popular sport, has impacted their culture in a positive way and now many Brazilians have a passion and dedication to football.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 9:34am

Hi Sean,

This is too summative. You need to work on creating a claim. Review your classmates' theses and the document I providing on creating claims.

6/10

Wilmairy Tejeda

05/24/2013 9:10am

The fight for Dominican's independence from Haiti was necessary in order to gain freedom and basic rights.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 9:36am

Hi Wilmairy,

This is excellent! Only one minor change: no need for " 's " after Dominican.

10/10

MaryKate Folan

05/24/2013 9:11am

The tourism rate in Colombia has helped to better the reputation of the country.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 9:41am

Hi MaryKate,

I think this is a good start, but there a few ways to improve your thesis.
1. Are you talking about Colombia's international reputation? If so, say so.
2. This is summative. Where's the argument? For example, are you really saying that tourism helped Colombia overcome its reputation for the drug trade, and the government should work to continue this upward movement?

6/10

Nick Flores

05/24/2013 9:12am

The Mexican Drug War hinders Mexico and it's surrounding countires through a large amount of fedreal money spent, increased gang violence, drug related incarcerations, deaths of government officals and decreased tourism.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 10:32am

Hi Nick,

1. You have a few spelling errors:
- its
- federal

2. I don't think hinders is the word you're looking for in this thesis statement.

3. Your thesis lacks a claim. Take a look at your classmates' theses and the documents I provided for examples.

5/10

Kerrin Sheehan

05/24/2013 9:13am

Drug trafficking destroy daily life, culture, and people's views of Mexico to the extent where Mexico should change their ways and try to find a solution to the damage.

kerrin

05/24/2013 9:40am

*destroys

Ms. Feldman

05/29/2013 9:43am

Hi Kerrin,

I feel so bad I forgot to comment on your thesis statement last week. Ah! Such a silly mistake. I'm glad we got to check-in in person today so that you don't feel neglected. :-) You're awesome!

Drug trafficking destroys Mexican culture and outsiders' views of the country, and the Mexican government must find a solution to the problem.

Zachary Holland

05/24/2013 9:13am

Disney's owned Pixar Studio's goal to trademark "Day of the Dead," causes detrimental effects for why it is celebrated because trademarking creates false ideas, causes suffering for those celebrating it, as well as misrepresents the goal of the holiday.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 10:39am

Hi Zach,

I love your topic! It's fascinating!

However, your thesis is currently too summative. You need to push analysis by staking a claim. For example, do you disapprove of Disney's actions? If so, include that somehow in your thesis. Keep working and keep me posted.

7/10

Zachary Pessia

05/24/2013 9:14am

Due to professional baseball, Central American cultures have revolutionized causing a new society to emerge.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 9:46am

An idea:

American professional baseball has revolutionized Latin American culture, and this societal change benefits the people of the region.

Trey Wilson

05/24/2013 9:14am

Soccer within Latin America gives off negative impacts as it leads to tension between rivalries, violent threats and acts, and horrendous scandals.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 10:33am

We discussed yours at the end of class today. Let's work together again next week!

Liz Kelley

05/24/2013 9:24am

The Colombian government officials should improve the enforcement on the Drug Trade because it harms the daily life of Colombia's citizens.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 10:34am

Hi Liz,

I respect the stance you're taking in your thesis statement. However, it should be their instead of the, of instead on, lives instead of life.

Nice work.

9/10

Brianna

05/24/2013 9:28am

The cultures of Brazil and Venezuela are different when it comes to the traditions, music, and social etiquette; and barely have any similarities.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 10:38am

Hi Brianna,

I know you really dislike your thesis statement and are struggling with your topic. Email me directly and we can communicate over the weekend to get some ideas going. (I don't have your email!)

Thanks!
Ms. Feldman

Nic Flohr

05/24/2013 9:42am

The Mayan Civilization contributed greatly to modern day astronomy, calender cycles, mathematics, architecture, and writing.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 10:35am

Hi Nic,

You should take your claim one step further. Who cares that the Mayans contributed greatly to the modern world? Does that mean we should (1) consider them the forbears of modernity, (2) study them more extensively in American public schools, (3) celebrate their achievements with a national holiday, etc?

7/10

Sean Murphy

05/24/2013 9:44am

Human trafficking benefits the traffickers economically and psychologically.

Ms. Feldman

05/24/2013 10:37am

Hi Sean,

As we discussed yesterday, your thesis and subject are a macabre for my personal tastes!

You need to stake a claim here. I wonder if you would consider adding a "..., however __________" after psychologically. This would push your paper more towards analysis.

8/10

8 C Thesis Statements

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