8 C Thesis Statements

5/23/2013

Post your thesis statements here!
- Write your first and last name
- Write your thesis statement
- You will get a 10 point grade

53 Comments

Tyrone Smith

5/24/2013 02:03:20 am

Honor affects Mexican the wrestlers the most and in a positive way

Tyrone

5/24/2013 02:04:22 am

**Honor affects the Mexican luchadores the most and it is in a positive way

Jackie

5/24/2013 02:05:59 am

thats a summary..

5/24/2013 02:06:47 am

be more specific as to how.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 02:10:53 am

Hi Tyrone,

I agree with your classmates below. This is too vague. What do you mean by "the most?"

You need to review what it means to stake a claim in a thesis. Check out the examples from other classes.

6/10

Tyrone

5/24/2013 02:22:35 am

Ok Ms.Feldman, how about:
Luchadores act the way they do due to honor, principle, and fame. Does that work?

Hannah Murphy

5/24/2013 02:03:38 am

When Mexicans migrate to the United States, they leave a negative impact on their home country.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 02:11:51 am

Hi Hannah,

I think this is a great start but I wonder if you can strengthen your thesis by replacing "negative impact" with a clear, declarative verb.

9/10

Alanni

5/24/2013 02:04:14 am

Social classes and poor economic management in Guatemala shifted power in society creating imbalances of power leading to the Guatemalan genocide.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 02:15:11 am

Hi Alanni,

I really like the ideas contained within your genocide but I think your grammar is off. For example, I'm confused about the time period you're talking about because you change tenses. Try writing this again.

8/10

Eric Markland

5/24/2013 02:04:22 am

Colombia's government contributed to the growth of their drug trade because of political corruption, lack of help for the poor and lack of law enforcement, therefore the government is the main reason for the rise of the Colombian drug trade.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 02:18:28 am

Hi Eric,

This is spot on! I like how you justify your claim in the second clause of your thesis.

10/10

Brianna Lindsey-Vaughn

5/24/2013 02:04:30 am

The cultures of Brazil and Venezuela are different when it comes to the traditions, music, and daily life.

Sam M.

5/24/2013 02:05:06 am

The United States of America was the most important factor in the Dominican Republic's success in baseball since the Americans brought the game to the island, competed with the Dominicans and drafted the Dominicans.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 02:19:52 am

Hi Sam,

I think your word choice is off. I'm not sure if the United States is a "factor." I think you've personified the country as a whole. Go back and work on the first part of your thesis.

9/10

Jackie Nguyen

5/24/2013 02:05:18 am

Art was significant in the 19th century in Latin America because it conveyed the culture, strength , and methods of communication in many different countries.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 02:21:11 am

Hi Jackie,

This thesis will lead to summary not analysis. You need a claim. Review the documents posted about writing claims and consider your classmates' theses.

6/10

AJ Murray

5/24/2013 02:05:35 am

Throughout the last, approximately, 70 years the number of Dominican baseball players has increased helping the Dominican economy by MLB teams investing money in baseball academies, baseball players giving back to their communities, and so on.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 02:22:18 am

Hi AJ,

This thesis contains many grammatical errors.
1. Comma issues at the beginning
2. Concluding with "so on" is vague
3. Tighten up your word choice so your thesis is strong and declarative

7/10

Yamairys Charles Moreno

5/24/2013 02:07:39 am

The Mexican courts and laws hindered the Mexican Drug War because of the officers strictly enforcing the laws and the aim to prevent deaths in the future.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 02:26:53 am

Hi Yamairys,

First, your thesis will lead to summary not analysis. You need to stake a claim. Make sure you review your classmates' theses and the document about claims I provided.

Second, you have a few grammatical issues.
1. I don't think hinder is the word you're looking for
2. You need to use parallel structure- the last clause after and seems disjointed

6/10

Kristina Choukas

5/24/2013 02:08:06 am

When the Jewish refugees came to Latin America for refuge, the Latin Americans' daily lives changed significantly.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 02:28:37 am

Hi Kristina,

I think this is a great start but I wonder about the "so what" factor. Why does it matter (if at all) that daily life? Could something be added to your thesis to make it more arguable and controversial? I'm just not sure how you're going to meaningfully counter the claim you've already made.

8/10

Kristina Choukas

5/24/2013 02:33:37 am

When the Jewish Holocaust survivors came to Latin America, the Latin Americans' daily lives hurt the Jews significantly.

Nick Kammer

5/24/2013 02:09:05 am

Argentina's soccer rivalries are the cause of most of the violence in the country and should receive the most focus from the government.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 02:29:49 am

Hi Nick,

I think you can tighten up the language of your thesis and therefore strengthen it. For example, you could write "...rivalries cause the most..."

9/10

Michael Purvis

5/24/2013 02:09:14 am

Over time, deforestation has increased because peoples' needs increased as well; therefore the people of South America should be far more strict about what they need and the protection of the rain-forest.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 02:32:11 am

Hi Michael,

Your word choice is a bit repetitive - needs and increased are both repeated. I wonder how you can maintain these ideas (which are fantastic!) with stronger, clearer words.

9/10

Sean O'Mahony

5/24/2013 02:09:29 am

Football has affected the mind of Brazilians, has become the most popular sport, has impacted their culture in a positive way and now many Brazilians have a passion and dedication to football.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 02:34:01 am

Hi Sean,

This is too summative. You need to work on creating a claim. Review your classmates' theses and the document I providing on creating claims.

6/10

Wilmairy Tejeda

5/24/2013 02:10:38 am

The fight for Dominican's independence from Haiti was necessary in order to gain freedom and basic rights.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 02:36:31 am

Hi Wilmairy,

This is excellent! Only one minor change: no need for " 's " after Dominican.

10/10

MaryKate Folan

5/24/2013 02:11:13 am

The tourism rate in Colombia has helped to better the reputation of the country.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 02:41:27 am

Hi MaryKate,

I think this is a good start, but there a few ways to improve your thesis.
1. Are you talking about Colombia's international reputation? If so, say so.
2. This is summative. Where's the argument? For example, are you really saying that tourism helped Colombia overcome its reputation for the drug trade, and the government should work to continue this upward movement?

6/10

Nick Flores

5/24/2013 02:12:58 am

The Mexican Drug War hinders Mexico and it's surrounding countires through a large amount of fedreal money spent, increased gang violence, drug related incarcerations, deaths of government officals and decreased tourism.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 03:32:45 am

Hi Nick,

1. You have a few spelling errors:
- its
- federal

2. I don't think hinders is the word you're looking for in this thesis statement.

3. Your thesis lacks a claim. Take a look at your classmates' theses and the documents I provided for examples.

5/10

Kerrin Sheehan

5/24/2013 02:13:20 am

Drug trafficking destroy daily life, culture, and people's views of Mexico to the extent where Mexico should change their ways and try to find a solution to the damage.

kerrin

5/24/2013 02:40:01 am

*destroys

Ms. Feldman

5/29/2013 02:43:47 am

Hi Kerrin,

I feel so bad I forgot to comment on your thesis statement last week. Ah! Such a silly mistake. I'm glad we got to check-in in person today so that you don't feel neglected. :-) You're awesome!

Drug trafficking destroys Mexican culture and outsiders' views of the country, and the Mexican government must find a solution to the problem.

Zachary Holland

5/24/2013 02:13:47 am

Disney's owned Pixar Studio's goal to trademark "Day of the Dead," causes detrimental effects for why it is celebrated because trademarking creates false ideas, causes suffering for those celebrating it, as well as misrepresents the goal of the holiday.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 03:39:38 am

Hi Zach,

I love your topic! It's fascinating!

However, your thesis is currently too summative. You need to push analysis by staking a claim. For example, do you disapprove of Disney's actions? If so, include that somehow in your thesis. Keep working and keep me posted.

7/10

Zachary Pessia

5/24/2013 02:14:32 am

Due to professional baseball, Central American cultures have revolutionized causing a new society to emerge.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 02:46:22 am

An idea:

American professional baseball has revolutionized Latin American culture, and this societal change benefits the people of the region.

Trey Wilson

5/24/2013 02:14:59 am

Soccer within Latin America gives off negative impacts as it leads to tension between rivalries, violent threats and acts, and horrendous scandals.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 03:33:13 am

We discussed yours at the end of class today. Let's work together again next week!

Liz Kelley

5/24/2013 02:24:23 am

The Colombian government officials should improve the enforcement on the Drug Trade because it harms the daily life of Colombia's citizens.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 03:34:14 am

Hi Liz,

I respect the stance you're taking in your thesis statement. However, it should be their instead of the, of instead on, lives instead of life.

Nice work.

9/10

Brianna

5/24/2013 02:28:53 am

The cultures of Brazil and Venezuela are different when it comes to the traditions, music, and social etiquette; and barely have any similarities.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 03:38:23 am

Hi Brianna,

I know you really dislike your thesis statement and are struggling with your topic. Email me directly and we can communicate over the weekend to get some ideas going. (I don't have your email!)

Thanks!
Ms. Feldman

Nic Flohr

5/24/2013 02:42:09 am

The Mayan Civilization contributed greatly to modern day astronomy, calender cycles, mathematics, architecture, and writing.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 03:35:49 am

Hi Nic,

You should take your claim one step further. Who cares that the Mayans contributed greatly to the modern world? Does that mean we should (1) consider them the forbears of modernity, (2) study them more extensively in American public schools, (3) celebrate their achievements with a national holiday, etc?

7/10

Sean Murphy

5/24/2013 02:44:15 am

Human trafficking benefits the traffickers economically and psychologically.

Ms. Feldman

5/24/2013 03:37:33 am

Hi Sean,

As we discussed yesterday, your thesis and subject are a macabre for my personal tastes!

You need to stake a claim here. I wonder if you would consider adding a "..., however __________" after psychologically. This would push your paper more towards analysis.

8/10

8 C Thesis Statements

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