8 B Thesis Statements

5/23/2013

Post your thesis statements here!
- Write your first and last name
- Write your thesis statement
- You will get a 10 point grade

69 Comments

kerri doherty

5/22/2013 11:37:40 pm

during the Holocaust many people did immigrate to many different places such as Argentina, Mexico, and other places in Latin America.

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 11:41:35 pm

Hi Kerri,

1. Capitalize the first word.
2. This is too summative. You need to stake a claim.
3. Visit this site to learn more: http://www1.ccs.k12.in.us/teachers/downloads/cms_block_file/45363/file/68838

5/10

owen cuddahy

5/22/2013 11:37:41 pm

Robinson Cano is the best Dominican baseball player in Major League Baseball because of his training, abilities, professionalism, and should be considered a legend of baseball in the Dominican Republic.

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 11:42:19 pm

Owen,

This is exactly what we're looking for! Excellent work yesterday and today - I am impressed!

10/10

Emmanuel

5/22/2013 11:37:56 pm

Scouting in the Dominican Republic has impacted the country's economy by increasing average income, normal resources sales down, and corrupt business.

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 11:42:57 pm

You're still missing the "claim." This is going to be too summative. Visit this website for a refresher: http://www1.ccs.k12.in.us/teachers/downloads/cms_block_file/45363/file/68838

6/10

Olivia

5/22/2013 11:38:08 pm

In Argentina's daily life today there are still effects from the bombings in 1990s.

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 11:43:44 pm

This is too summative! You need to stake a claim. Go to this website to see more examples: http://www1.ccs.k12.in.us/teachers/downloads/cms_block_file/45363/file/68838

6/10

Brian

5/22/2013 11:38:45 pm

The Caribbean Carnival negatively impacts the reputation of the Caribbean islands and should be closely tracked by the representatives of the Caribbean islands

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 11:45:57 pm

So close! You should change "negatively impacts" to a single word with the same meaning (destroys? hurts? etc.)

9/10

Jessica Maxwell

5/22/2013 11:38:55 pm

Traditions in the DR force gender roles to be rigid, not allowing for much equality between men and women.

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 11:47:10 pm

So close!
1. DR needs to be spelled out as Dominican Republic.
2. You personified traditions. How is this possible?
3. I love the claim regarding equality!

8/10

Paige McEachern

5/22/2013 11:39:45 pm

The impact of Mexican culture today is based on education, communication, and tradition.

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 11:48:10 pm

1. This is way too vague!
2. You never mention Mexican murals...isn't this the topic of your paper?
3. You claim needs to be clearer and stronger.

5/10

Shannon Eaton

5/22/2013 11:40:15 pm

The recent fights for womens' rights in Latin America gives women equality,freedom,and a voice Latin America should treat everyone the same regardless of their gender.

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 11:49:25 pm

1. Grammatical errors! You need to fix the subject-verb agreement.
2. This is worded in a confusing manner. What are you arguing? I am confused!

5/10

Abby Alexis

5/22/2013 11:40:20 pm

The use of Haitian music is a symbol that is a benefit for a Haitian society, though the government does not agree with the way music is being used as.

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 11:52:49 pm

I like the ideas contained within your thesis, however it is worded in a very confusing manner. Are you trying to write this, "Haitian music symbolizes and benefits Haitian society, however the government disapproves of the role of music in society."

7/10

Abby

5/23/2013 11:48:16 pm

The use of Haitian music is a benefit for the Haitian society, though the government and other religious groups do not agree with the way music is being used as.

Lisa Marks

5/22/2013 11:40:26 pm

During the Mexican drug war thousands of children were harmed, therefore drug related violence should be ended worldwide.

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 11:54:14 pm

Great start, Lisa. I think you can add specificity to improve your work. For example, when did this occur? Also, "worldwide" is huge. Could you focus on one region or country that can learn from Mexico? Or, could your claim be about how the Mexican government must work to stop it immediately?

8/10

Ty'Aaron Ennis

5/22/2013 11:40:47 pm

From the missile crisis to 1960's Cadillac's in 2013, after the Soviet Union settled their differences they left Cuba impacting their economy, society, political beliefs, freedom, and alliances with other countries.

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 11:56:10 pm

This is incredibly confusing! I have no idea what you're trying to argue. You need to rewrite this thesis statement completely.

Post your next draft on this page.

3/10

Rodney A.

5/22/2013 11:41:02 pm

Animals native to the Yucatan peninsula benefited the Mayan civilization in terms of food, worship, and protection, which ultimately had the greatest effect on the Mayans prosperity.

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 11:58:04 pm

Multiple grammatical errors.

1. Effect/Affect
2. Apostrophe to show possession
3. I don't think benefitted is the right verb

8/10

Rodney A.

5/23/2013 12:09:20 am

Animals native to the Yucatan peninsula assisted the Mayans in terms of food, worship, and protection, which ultimately led to the greatest impact on the Mayan's prosperity.

pat mahoney

5/22/2013 11:41:08 pm

During the Guatemalan Genocide,Efrain Rios Montt ruined the citizens lives, families, and their dignity, and which he should face the death penalty instead of jail time.

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 11:58:56 pm

This is excellent! You've come so far, Pat. I'm impressed!

Take out the word "which" and you're all set.

10/10

Scott Trabucco

5/22/2013 11:41:22 pm

The Fifa World Cup Is not worth hosting due to all the negative impacts it brings.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 12:00:49 am

While I really like the claim, your grammar is off and there's no explicit link to Latin America.
1. "Is" should not be capitalized.
2. Change "negative impacts" to one word (consequences?)
3. Link to LA

7/10

Jon Cooper

5/22/2013 11:42:09 pm

getting drafted into the Major Leagues has a positive affect on Dominican baseball players with wealth, fame, and popularity

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 12:01:50 am

1. Grammatical errors (start with capital letter!) (change "positive affect" to one word with the same meaning)
2. This is too summative. You need to stake a claim. Visit this site to learn more: http://www1.ccs.k12.in.us/teachers/downloads/cms_block_file/45363/file/68838

5/10

sean baker

5/22/2013 11:42:19 pm

One of teh most important events on earth, top athleats will travel to Brazil in 2014 to participate in the FIFA world cup, this event will lead to economic success in Brazil

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 12:04:05 am

1. I can barely read this because of all the spelling errors! The, athletes...
2. I don't think "one of the most important events on earth" is necessary for a formal academic paper.
3. Make your claim clearer and stronger. Consider something like, "When athletes travel to Brazil in 2014 for the FIFA World Cup, the event will ______________"

6/10

rose baker

5/22/2013 11:44:28 pm

The Brazilian Mardi gras celebration is now viewed as corrupt and negative due to the outsiders and lack of knowledge about the event.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 12:06:07 am

You spelled Mardi Gras incorrectly. You need to get your topic right!

1. Who views Mardi Gras as corrupt? And, aren't corrupt and negative redundant?
2. Consider starting with, "While Mardi Gras once celebrated _________, people now view it as _______________ and this is _______________.

7/10

rose baker

5/23/2013 11:36:48 pm

while Marti Gras was once celebrated culture and tradition, people now view it as corrupt which is caused by the outrageous outcomes that take place during the events.

Ibrahim

5/22/2013 11:45:30 pm

The Colombian government considers the drug trade is a huge problem in affecting the Colombian economy because of drug & violence, inequality incomes, showdowns between cartel leaders and other countries should step in to help.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 12:08:03 am

You have a few small grammatical errors and it's pretty wordy. Try something like this:

"The Colombian government considers the drug trade a huge problem affecting the economy, and other countries should step in to help Colombia solve this problem."

8/10

Arianna

5/22/2013 11:45:48 pm

Many Latina girls are adopting the american sweet sixteen instead of the more cultural quinceanera, even though both traditions are very different.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 12:10:26 am

1. Grammatical errors. You need to capitalize American.
2. Does this thesis really include a claim. For instance, how can you create a counterargument?
3. Consider something like this: "Many Latina girls are adopting the American sweet sixteen instead of the more cultural quinceanera, and this choice ____________________." (Reflects assimilation? Hurts the Latina community? etc)

6/10

Bryanna R.

5/22/2013 11:47:20 pm

Major Leagues have been set up in Dominican Republic to have adults and young children engaged, make DR a better place, and have a sport that mostly everybody would love and have other countries notice Dominican Republic.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 12:11:16 am

This is too summative! Visit this website to learn more about to make a claim: http://www1.ccs.k12.in.us/teachers/downloads/cms_block_file/45363/file/68838

6/10

sean collins

5/22/2013 11:49:48 pm

The development of Dominican Major League Baseball players difers from the development of american baseball players because Dominicans have to overcome difficult challenges, face new experiences and develop at a very young age,which is why Domincans have a harder time adjusting to the MlB

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 12:12:52 am

1. Grammatical errors. Capitalize American.
2. I don't think your claim at the end ("Dominicans have a harder time adjusting to the MLB") is clear or strong enough. For example, who are they having a harder time than?

Keep working!

7/10

marie

5/22/2013 11:49:56 pm

The Guatemalain Genocide is similar to the Cultural Revoultion beacause they both targeted a specific group and are considered some of the most tragic occurances in history

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 12:17:22 am

1. You spelled Guatemalan incorrectly.
2. You spelled revolution incorrectly.
3. You have personified both events.
4. Be stronger and clearer with your second reason.

7/10

zakiyah

5/22/2013 11:50:49 pm

Peru was colonized by Francisco Pizzaro and was put through just as much as all the other colonies put in place; zero independence and inequality. but once Peru was freed from the dark, widowing chains of oppression, they shared their experiences through expressive, valuable pieces of art, not only to tell the story of being colonized ,but also to express freedom and religion.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 12:38:09 am

1. This should be 1 clear, concise sentence.
2. What are you proving here? I am confused!
3. Your metaphors, while beautiful, do not belong in a thesis for an academic paper.
4. I think your thesis may be in the last part of the sentence, "Artists shared their experiences ......"

7/10

Eddie Brown

5/22/2013 11:51:20 pm

Drug trade in the DR has increased over many years due to smuggling tactics which have changed laws and behaviors by people.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 12:39:28 am

1. Grammatical errors. Write out Dominican Republic.
2. Over what years? Be specific with the time period.
3. This is too summative! You need a claim. Click this link for a refresher: http://www1.ccs.k12.in.us/teachers/downloads/cms_block_file/45363/file/68838

5/10

kerri

5/22/2013 11:52:36 pm

During the Holocaust many people did immigrate to many different places such as Argentina, Mexico, and other places in Latin America, which should be memorable for their help towards the Jewish.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 11:22:36 pm

Hi Kerri,

Let's keep working on grammar.

Try this: During the Holocaust, many people immigrated to Argentina and Mexico, and those countries should be remembered for helping the Jewish people.

Paige

5/22/2013 11:59:24 pm

Mexican murals are significant in Mexican culture because they educate citizens by helping people stay connected to their traditions.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 11:24:59 pm

Hi Paige,

Yes, this connects to your topic! You've moved from general to specific. However, I think there's still room for improvement.

What if you make it more concise?

"Mexican murals educate citizens and help people stay connected to their traditions, and therefore this form of art _______________."

This would also help you make a stronger claim. Thoughts?

Shannon Eaton

5/23/2013 12:04:38 am

Women in Latin America are still being treated as less then men when it comes to employment,education,and basic rights.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 11:27:20 pm

So what? You need to make a claim.

After "rights" consider adding a clause that addresses the "so what."

Jon Cooper

5/23/2013 12:15:03 am

Getting drafted to the Major Leagues has an affect on Dominican baseball players with wealth, fame. and popularity.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 11:28:49 pm

Hi Jon,

Let's go with a stronger, action-oriented verb. Maybe help instead of affect?

Arianna

5/23/2013 12:17:53 am

"Many Latina girls are adopting the American sweet sixteen instead of the more cultural quinceanera, and this choice affects the Latin American view, lacks in cultural consistency, reflects assimilation, and upsets traditional elders.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 11:40:17 pm

Strong claim!

Here are my thoughts:

Many Latina girls are adopting the American sweet sixteen instead of the more cultural quinceanera, and this choice demonstrates cultural inconsistency, reflects assimilation, and upsets traditional elders.

Bryannna R.

5/23/2013 11:24:08 pm

Major Leagues in Dominican Republic have positive impacts on the community and is causing other countries to notice D.R's progression.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 11:49:12 pm

Hi Bryanna,

This is still very summative. I think you can improve it by staking a claim.

The presence of the American Major Leagues in the Dominican Republic helps the community and causes other counties to want to imitate Dominican success, and this is possible if other nations work with the Dominicans.

Eddie Brown

5/23/2013 11:25:07 pm

Drug trade in the Dominican Republic has increased over many years due to smuggling tactics and the government needs to take more of a stand on preventing drug trafficking from happening.

Eddie Brown

5/23/2013 11:44:55 pm

The drug trade in the Dominican Republic has increased since 2008 due to smuggling tactics which has had a negative impact on the community, therefore the government needs to take on more preventative measures.

marie

5/23/2013 11:33:59 pm

The Guatemalan Genocide and The Cultural Revolution both are considered some of the most tragic occurances in history because both the leaders of these events targeted a specific group, interrogated and tortured people and separated families.

Ms. Feldman

5/23/2013 11:53:07 pm

Historians rightly classify the Guatemalan Genocide and Chinese Cultural Revolution as two of the most tragic events in world history because the leaders targeted specific groups, interrogated and tortured people, and separated families.

Jon Cooper

5/23/2013 11:55:23 pm

Getting drafted to the Major Leagues helps Dominican baseball players with wealth, fame. and popularity.

Emmanuel

5/23/2013 11:57:03 pm

Albert Pujols is considered the best player from the Dominican republic all time because of his, work ethic, talent, and for his love of the game

8 B Thesis Statements

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