8 A Thesis Statements

5/23/2013

Post your thesis statements here!
- Write your first and last name
- Write your thesis statement
- You will get a 10 point grade
- If you want written feedback, include your email address and click "notify by email when someone comments"

35 Comments

Benjamin O'Brien

5/22/2013 10:34:43 pm

My thesis statement is, the Mexican Drug War caused violence and economic problems in the Mexican Society.

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 10:39:37 pm

Hi Ben,

Your thesis statement is off to a good start but needs to be edited. For example, you have two capitalization errors: the first word needs upper case and society needs lower case. I'm pleased you specified the topics (violence and economics) you'll be writing about, but I think you can take this a step further by including the time period you're focusing on.

6/10

Benjamin O'Brien

5/22/2013 11:19:56 pm

REVISED: At the height of the Mexican Drug War in 2006, violence and economic problems started happening in the Mexican society.

Sean Kelley

5/22/2013 10:35:04 pm

The Mexican drug war negatively impacts the civilians lives in many different ways

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 10:38:15 pm

Hi Sean,

Your thesis statement is too vague and contains grammatical errors. For example, you should specify the time period you're talking about. Plus, the "many different ways" leaves the reader confused about what you're going to write about in your paper. Last, you're missing an apostrophe.

5/10

Keffim Capron

5/22/2013 10:39:53 pm

HEY SEAN, WHAT R THOSE MANY WAYS THE CIVILIANS R NEGATIVELY IMPACTED? BE SPECIFIC AND REVISE THIS NOW!!

Morgan Mokler

5/22/2013 10:35:38 pm

Eva Peron revolutionized Argentina through her background, actions, relationships, and interests.

Keffim Capron

5/22/2013 10:41:03 pm

I luv it Morgan!
Keep up the awesome work!!!!!

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 10:47:16 pm

Hi Morgan,

First, I'm glad you liked the movie "Evita!" I worry that this thesis will lead to a summative paper, not one containing analysis. In other words, how will you create a counterargument? Perhaps you can take this a step further by considering something like: "Eva Peron revolutionized Argentina, therefore _____________." The blank should be a claim about how she changed Argentina. Then, your counterargument can be about how she really didn't change anything or how the result was different.

7/10

Gabriel Cruz

5/22/2013 10:35:47 pm

Puerto Rico benefited as a whole from their independence politically, through freedom, and through economics.

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 10:52:16 pm

Hi Gabe,

I like the ideas contained within your thesis but I think the wording is off. For example, how are politics and freedom different? I wonder if you should say, "Puerto Rico benefitted politically and economically." Then, you should include the time period you're discussing.

8/10

Aidan Brock

5/22/2013 10:35:57 pm

John F. Kennedy used diplomatic pressure and bargaining to stop the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 10:59:52 pm

Hi Aidan,

I love this thesis statement! It's clear and concise, and I know exactly what your paper is going to be about. In particular, I like the phrase "diplomatic pressure" because it's a term from international relations. You may want to consider substituting "negotiation" for "bargaining" to match the formality of the other phrase.

Also, question, what is your counterargument? Are you going to argue that there could have been a better way to end the crisis? Or, are you going to argue his leadership style exacerbated the crisis? I'm interested to see where you go with this!

10/10

Andrew Carle

5/22/2013 10:35:57 pm

American baseball changed the lives of many Domican players because of the money opertunity, leading rolls on a team and for giving back to there community.

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 11:02:20 pm

Hi Andrew,

First, your thesis contains multiple mechanical errors: opportunity, roles, their. You need to make sure your grammar is perfect for your paper - it's very important in academic writing!

Second, is American baseball what changed these men's lives or is it playing in the MLB? I bet it's the latter; if so, you need to change your thesis statement.

5/10

andrew

5/22/2013 11:19:42 pm

American baseball changed the lives of many Dominican players because of money opportunity, leading roles on a team, and for giving back

Luke Payne

5/22/2013 10:36:12 pm

Baseball affects Latin America by having them play in the MLB, earn many awards, force them to learn English, having many leagues in Latin America and baseball has become the national sport of many countries.

Ms. Feldman

5/22/2013 11:06:19 pm

Hi Luke,

The grammar is totally off! First, you personified Latin America. Second, you need to use parallel structure (all the same tenses, word type, etc) for a clear thesis statement.

I'm worried that you're going to produce a long list instead of writing an analysis. The way to start fixing this error is by changing your verb choice. "Affect" is neutral, and if you want to begin to analyze you need a "charged" verb. For instance, do you think baseball benefits or harms?

5/10

Matthew Flaherty

5/22/2013 10:36:29 pm

Poverty destroys peoples lives by gangs, drugs, disease, starvation and people living like animals.

Mohamed Mansaray

5/22/2013 10:36:34 pm

The Mexican Drug Cartels started drug wars for an economic and social reason why. It had effects on the economy, community, and families.

Mikayla Lynch

5/22/2013 10:37:19 pm

Eva Peron's controversial status only helped her wealth, fame, and power, not the social classes of Argentina.

Andrew Cephas

5/22/2013 10:37:39 pm

Usain Bolts homelife and support system growing up have helped him become the fastest runner in the whole nation/world.

Keffim Capron

5/22/2013 10:38:04 pm

Latin America is dealing with its increasing economic issues by doing a cash transfer scheme, having high commodity prices, and tackling poverty.

Sheneice Holness

5/22/2013 10:38:38 pm

Womens right improvenemt in the countries of Haiti and Diuninican Republic

Keffim

5/22/2013 10:43:02 pm

Sheneice You should REVISE this thesis statement, but you're on the right track!

joseph sheehan

5/22/2013 10:38:57 pm

in Latin america there are many ways to transport drugs. some known, some unknown, but all dangerous.

Ana Cardona

5/22/2013 10:39:14 pm

Eva Peron symbolized Argentina's strength because she overcame her hardships, had a strong relationship with the poor of Argentina, and preserved Argentinas power with unity

Ryan Collins

5/22/2013 10:40:22 pm

My thesis is. Street gangs effect Latin America negatively and positively through employment,murder and extortion.

Sabella Mastricola

5/22/2013 10:40:52 pm

Eva Peron's actions impacted Argentina negatively because unemployment skyrocketed, the railroad workers revolted, she cared more about herself than the people, her main priority was to look good, and many people were killed.

nathaniel dale

5/22/2013 10:41:11 pm

Rape is sexually assaulting a person against their will it can never be justified even when under the influence of narcotics because it violates humans rights, it violates them physically and mentally, and its taking responsibility for the actions people make.

Will Fenton

5/22/2013 10:41:24 pm

The world cup positively effects Brazil's economy by bringing jobs, get money to the poor,brings more touriste , improve all transportation to the 21st century and the world cup gives Brazil money.

stefhan wigfall

5/22/2013 10:47:51 pm

Brazil is not prepared to host the summer Olympics because people are living in the parts of Brazil where they are going to build it, people in Rio are fighting for them to not build there Olympics there and people from Brazil want there respect of there homes.

Ryan collins

5/22/2013 11:23:34 pm

Street gangs in Latin America negatively impacted society through murder and extortion however it gave citzens job opportunities that improved the overall economy

Sheneice Holness

5/22/2013 11:25:42 pm

Women's rights in Haiti and the Dominican Republic are denied because of racism, lack of equality and political structure in the countries.

Sophia

5/23/2013 10:52:04 pm

Puerto Ricans are assimilated to western ideas, by fashion,food,and religion, which is making them lose sight of their individuality

8 A Thesis Statements

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